


the hunger of living brings madness in time

by ahsoka



Category: The Walking Dead (Telltale Video Game)
Genre: Depression, M/M, Pre-Relationship, Survivor Guilt, clementine baby you're everything
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-23
Updated: 2020-02-23
Packaged: 2021-02-27 20:15:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,013
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22861636
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ahsoka/pseuds/ahsoka
Summary: Doug's been down lately, and it seems like it's only getting worse. Lee takes it upon himself to figure out why.
Relationships: Doug (Walking Dead: A New Day)/Lee Everett
Comments: 4
Kudos: 26





	the hunger of living brings madness in time

**Author's Note:**

  * For [frillshark](https://archiveofourown.org/users/frillshark/gifts).



> title from what are we craving? by norma tanega

It’s early morning, but there’s no birds chirping or bugs humming. The only thing Lee hears when he steps out of the stale motel room is Clementine with her chalk to the printer paper. He doesn’t mind at all- he’s happy she enjoys it so much, and a quiet morning is loads better than a morning waking up to Lilly and Kenny screaming at each other.

“Hey, sweet pea,” he greets easily, and Clementine’s eyes light up when she sees him. She waves him over, piece of blue chalk in hand.

“Hi, Lee!” She says excitedly. “Look at my drawing!”

It’s a person, obviously, but outside of that Lee can’t make out much.

“Is it good?” She asks shyly, and Lee smiles.

“It’s great, Clementine.”

“Do you think Doug will like it?” She asks, re-energized with his assurance. Lee looks over it again and this time he can- kind of- see it. The short hair and the jacket and the… phone? Computer? In his hand.

“I think he’ll love it,” Lee says. “Mind if I ask what the special occasion is, though?”

Clementine pauses, frowns down at the ground. “Doug’s been… sad, I think. I’m scared to ask though, in case it’s adult stuff, but I drew him instead!”

Lee considers this. She’s right, Doug has been looking more and more down recently, but if the resident eight year old is able to notice, it must be getting bad. Lee knows that this shit- the farm and the dwindling supplies and the walkers and the entire damn apocalypse- has been getting to them all, but it’s always seemed like it hit Doug a little harder than everyone else, and it’s been taking a toll on his health.

“I think that’s a great idea, Clementine,” Lee says down to her. “You hold on to that until he wakes up so you can give it to him, alright?”

“Oh, he’s already awake!” Clementine bounces up, paper in hand. “I saw him when I woke up, that’s why I decided to draw him.”

That’s… It’s early enough as it is, and Lee’d had an early night last night. Doug had had midnight watch after Kenny, so if he’s up now he must not have slept at all.

“I’m glad you knew not to come out here by yourself,” he tells Clementine instead of voicing any of his concerns, and the girl stands a little taller at his praise. 

“I don’t break the rules,” she says. “I’m not  _ Duck _ .”

“Right, right,” Lee chuckles. “You’re not Duck.”

Clementine leads the way to Doug. He’s sitting in one of the old lawn chairs towards the back of the motel lot, staring at his hands. Even with his face turned down, Lee can see the bags under his eyes and the stress in his shoulders. 

Clementine reaches him before Lee does, and he looks up at her when she does. The smile he gives her is fake, and pretty easily spotted at that, but when Clementine shows off her drawing to him it turns bright and amused and  _ real.  _

“You made this for me?” Lee hears him ask as he makes his way up to them. Clementine nods fervently. “It’s great, Clem, I love it. I’ll have to find something to hang it up in my room with.”

“I’ll make you another!” She says, excited, then pauses. “I-I mean, if you want another…”

“Draw as many as you want,” Doug pats the top of her cap. “I’ll hang them  _ all  _ up.”

She rushes off with that, beaming, spring in her step, and Lee nods appreciatively to Doug.

“Morning,” he says, takes the seat next to him. “Thanks for indulging her, it makes her happy.”

“I was being serious,” he says. “It’s a pretty good drawing for her age. You know, how talented kids are at drawing often correlates with how smart they are academically, and like I said this is good.”

“Better than Duck’s drawings, at least,” Lee agrees.

Doug laughs, but shakes his head. “Don’t make fun of him, Lee.”

“Hey, hey, I’m just joking. Duck’s a sweet kid.”

Doug hums his agreement, setting Clementine’s drawing on his lap. After a minute his eyes get distant again, focused on nothing a few feet away from them.

“Doug,” Lee says, a bit loudly, and Doug blinks and draws his eyes back to him. “Did you sleep at all?”

The man frowns, almost self-consciously. “... an hour, maybe,” he says.

“You know that’s not healthy,” Lee says pointedly, and almost swears he sees Doug roll his eyes.

“The human body can withstand at least three days of no sleep before it starts to hallucinate, and can function on no sleep longer after the fact.”

“Either way, like I said,” Lee leans back into his chair. “Not healthy.”

A silence falls between them, and Lee watches the clouds pass with little interest. It does look like it may rain, though. He’ll have to ask Kenny, he always complains about feeling it in his kneecaps before it hits.

“Do you want to talk about what’s up with you?” Lee asks eventually.

Doug sighs in response. 

“You know you’re going to have to,” Lee says. “If you want it to get better.”

“... yeah,” Doug agrees. “It just... I don’t know. Feels dumb.”

“I’m sure it isn’t. Tell me what’s up.”

“Things are just… getting harder. They keep getting harder and they don’t stop and all of you seem like you’ve got everything handled, but I feel like I’m about to burst at any second.”

The man is gripping the arm of the lawn chair, and Lee rests his hand on his to calm him down. Doug blinks in surprise at that, stares down at their hands.

“I promise you we all feel the same way, but we gotta stay strong, Doug.”

Doug keeps staring at their hands, so Lee takes his in his own and squeezes, leaves their conjoined hands hanging between their two chairs. Doug’s cheeks have gone a shade that goes well with the purple under his eyes, but Lee stops himself from laughing. He doesn’t want to upset his friend when he’s opened up to him.

“Lee…” Doug trails off, takes a deep breath. “Why did you save me?”

Lee pauses at the question, then slowly frowns. “You’ve asked me this before.”

“I never asked you why,” he disagrees. “I asked you how.”

“That much different?” 

“To me it is.”

Lee looks at Doug, really looks at him. Past his dirty blonde hair and his thick eyebrows and into his eyes- weary with sleep and something else. Lee can point it out, if he tries, knows the taste of it, back when his parents said they wanted nothing to do with him and staring at himself in the mirror before they put the cuffs around his wrists. It’s self-hatred, simple as that, but Doug doesn’t deserve to feel like that.

“I was going to save you both,” he says, like he had before. He drops Doug’s hand and lets his own rest at his side. “The reason I went for you first, though… it probably sounds bad, but I liked you, I suppose.”

“You… liked me?” Doug repeats. 

“Yeah,” Lee nods. “You’re smart. You made me laugh, out in front of the drugstore. I appreciated the company. When it came down to it, I didn’t hesitate- you needed help, so I helped you. I had to, it didn’t feel like there was any other option. That’s not to say I hated Carley, or even if I did, I thought I was going to be able to save you both.”

Doug considers that for a long moment. Lee can see the glossiness in his eyes, the tears starting to well up, but before he can say anything the man speaks again.

“Do you ever regret it?” He asks.

Lee’s mouth hangs open.

“What- you- Doug-” he splutters, shaking his head. “Of course not. What kind of question is that?”

“You don’t think…” he considers his words. “You don’t think Carley would have been the better choice? She wasn’t scared of all of this, like I was. She was a better person, too... I just feel like I didn't deserve it, she would have done better than I have, and it's my fault that she-”

“Everyone’s scared,” Lee insists, tries to distract him from blaming himself. “And Carley was scared, too. You should know, firsthand, you saved her from being killed in that news van. Not only that, but you’ve saved me, too. All of us.”

“Your alarm system has come in handy on more than one occasion, and you blinded that bastard with your laser pointer. He might have gotten me if you hadn’t, and then where would we be? You’ve taken care of Ben, you hang out with Clementine and Duck when everyone else doesn’t want to. You’re important, Doug. You’re my friend, I wouldn’t trade you for anything. You do deserve to be here, as much as any of the rest of us do.”

Doug is really crying now, but it’s silent. He wipes at his tears, lips trembling, and nods. He stands from his seat, running his hands through his short hair and sighing shakily. 

“It’s so fucking hard, Lee,” he says with emotion. “There’s… it seems like at any moment, Lilly or Kenny are just gonna snap and hurt someone, and if not them then the walkers, and what if I can’t do anything? What if someone else dies, because of me? Or I have to make a choice like you did? I don't know if I can do it.”

“You're brave,” Lee says, stands up himself. Doug seems surprised at the words, but settles. “If you need to do something then you will. Don't doubt yourself, because I don't doubt you.”

Slowly, Doug nods, scrubs at his eyes again. “You’re right,” he says. “I’ll do it. I need to.”

Lee’s not sure what exactly Doug is saying he needs to do, but he leaves it at that. He doesn’t have to know- if he’s reassured the man then he’s done his job well.

He understands Doug's fears, sat up in bed at night himself with his mind whispering at him that he let Carley die because she knew his secret, or he wasn't strong enough to save her, or he could have stepped in and still done something but left instead. It haunts him, like a lot of the things he's done since the shit hit the fan does. It was his choice though, not Doug's. It wasn't Doug's fault, and he wants him to know that.

“Lee,” Doug turns to him once more. “Can I… hug you?”

It’s Lee’s turn to be surprised. He looks down at the man who- honestly, kind of looks like a giant teddy bear, and laughs despite himself. He leans forwards and wraps his arms around the younger man, squeezes his shoulders.

He feels Doug melt underneath him, the stress in his shoulders dissipating. He sighs, rests his face on Lee’s shoulder, and hugs him in return.

When Lee pulls back he fishes something out of his pocket- an extra large energy bar. It’s not much, but in their situation it’s as good as offering someone an entire box of chocolates. He offers it to Doug, who looks at him like he’s just descended from heaven.

“Eat,” Lee advises. “And get some rest. I’ll cover for you, and we can talk later, okay?”

“Alright,” Doug nods, not meeting his eyes. He stuffs the food in his pocket and scratches his neck.

“Hey, Doug,” Lee says once more, right before he steps away. “You take care of yourself, alright? I care about you.”

A soft breeze passes between them. They day will carry on slowly, like it always does, and they'll sit here in this motel and stare at the tree line, at the blue sky, at the rain clouds if they decide to show. Things will be fine.

Doug smiles, that bright _real_ one he'd shown Clementine. “I care about you, too.”

**Author's Note:**

> hi this is a gift for frillshark! because i notice you leave super kind comments on my fics and im not sure how to respond without being repetitive so i wrote this in gratitude
> 
> i hope it's alright! ive never written doug before but i love him <3


End file.
